Story Of Lilith - Succubus

I'm not going to apologize for it, cause the truth is I'd do it again.

" Patterns are inherent in human nature and all natural forms. Our repetitve patterns of thoughts, habits, attitudes and behaviours are quite apparent to others, yet we generally do not see our games and how they affect the results we really want. "

Hindsight, or our ability to see our past clearly, is a learning function that, when damaged ... renders us unable to look at the past to guide ourselves through the present and into the future. Without this ability, we cannot learn from our mistakes. We cannot clean up the wreckage of our actions. We are locked into a cycle of repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting different results....

The truth is....we are all bleeding masoquists...

Did you say it?

Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow."

Its not going to stop

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_goEernujW8&feature=related

Fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm angry, and tired, and sad, and I just don't want to deal with it right now, so fuck off.

I don't want to look at you, or talk to you, or be with you, or know you, and I certainly don't want to need you to be who you were when it mattered. I don't want to run into you on the street, and have an awkward moment of nothing to say. I don't want you to worry about me, because there isn't anything you can say or do that we haven't already tried. I don't want YOU. I don't want to be irritated, because it is as much my fault as it is yours (or at least that is what I keep telling myself so I will stop blaming you). I don't want to care, but I do, and I don't want to die knowing that I cared too much, or not enough, or not the ways you needed me to, because it doesn't matter any more. I dont' want it to matter in five years, or five minutes, or five seconds, that you have become what I asked you never to be.
A nightmare.
I don't want to go places with people that we both know, knowing that you are going to be a topic at some point, and I don't want everyone to tread lightly in my presence (that lacks the honesty that is the only thing I will ever ask for).I hate the fact that you were such a big thing, and that you didn't know it, or that you did, and I got blown off, because frankly it hurts.(I got the bum end of the deal). I hate the fact that there was such a gross misinterpretation of the situation at some point, and that You were probably responsible, and that I was naive enough to think otherwise.

Having said all that, I don't hate you. I just don't respect you as much as I used to. I used to think you were the greatest person on two legs, and admire your intellegence, and wonder at the things you have accomplished in your few years of life. I used to lie awake at night thinking about you, and wishing you the best in life. . . (I still pray for you. I still hope that you will finish fighting your own nightmares, and find what it is you are looking for.) I still think you are in the wrong. I am bitter, and I just don't want to deal with it, or you right now.

I don't have to send this to you, or post it, or tell you how I feel, because someday you will read this. . . and you won't ever know who it was from, or what it was about, and you won't know that it is to you, and for you.The last thing You'll be getting from me. You won't know, but you'll recognize enough of what I have written to know that no matter who it is from, or for, it is talking straight to your heart. There is enough of the truth here.

I imagine that when/if you do read this, you will find it incredibly enlightening, and you will probably have some halfbaked trip into guilt, so right now I am going to tell you that this isn't about you any more. You might want to call me, and ask if I ever wrote something like this, or you might wimp out at even that, and email me. You might want that. . . but I doubt you will do anything. You would rather have that guilt remain unconfirmed so you don't have to deal with it either.

I Hate You

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

If you're against homophobia, as I am, read this!!

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it